Vlad and the Altar: an Altersation

Film Noir Persona and Superb Opera Singer Marianna Ginger engage in an altersation about the latter’s wedding plans and the former being recently abandoned at the altar

Superb Opera Singer (SOS): Well, Hello.

Film Noir Persona (FNP): Damn. Lemmie tell ya something, and don’t take this the wrong way, sugar, but redheads are, I gotta tell ya, redheads are every man’s dream.

Superb Opera Singer (SOS): Yes? Are you interested in men who have red hair?

FNP: What? No. that’s not what I…

SOS: I heard you are marrying a woman, Rita is her name?

FNP: Now lemmie tell ya something, red, planning a wedding is like planning you’re gonna have no more than seven drinks a night. You mean it. it ain’t a bad plan. But once you have that seventh drink, toots, it all just goes straight to hell.

SOS: I see. So you did not marry because you are an alcoholic?

FNP: Well if a man who finds solace in the company of old Johnny is an alcoholic, then sign me up.

SOS: to Alcoholics Anonymous?

FNP: No, baby, to living in the real world. So, clearly you’ve wished upon a lucky star, coz I’m back out there, and you’re right here, so this must be your lucky day.

SOS: Yes, I am in New York for my opera, Madame Bovary, I did not miss New York. And I did not plan to stay here for months, not performing, not doing anything. The Corona virus –

FNP: Now don’t get me started on that, green eyes. Don’t get me started on this fraud!

SOS: Excuse me?

FNP: Well I don’t wanna talk about it anymore, you can count on that. So, you wanna buy a diamond?

SOS: what?

FNP: A diamond. Nearly as big as your face. What’s your bank account telling you?

SOS: Well, I thought we were going to talk about my wedding in October…

FNP: Oh, yes, you’re getting married, yeah. who’s the poor bastard who fell into this trap? Other than yourself, of course. There’s always two of them.

SOS: well, I agree with you.

FNP: Yeah? Damn, I knew you had it in you. I can spot it in a dame like leeches spot a dying cat. So you’re gonna leave him in the altar? Coz lemmie tell ya –

SOS: no, no, I will marry. but I agree with you that people do marry and become very, how do you say, miserable. It is people who marry at a young age, I believe. It is… I thought about it a lot. After all, deciding to marry and playing Madame Bovary at the same time, is, of course, ironic. And I have thought about this irony.

FNP: Yeah, Madame Bovary, she’s that broad who’s eyeing all these chumps, when she’s actually married to a decent one –

SOS: That is very wrong. That is not what it is.

FNP: Hang on, is that the one where she kills herself at the end?

SOS: They all end this way.

FNP: Damn, yeah. Women, you can’t kill ’em, so if they’re smart enough they kill themselves.

SOS: Excuse me!

FNP: Well I didn’t write it, sweetcheeks!

SOS: Well, Madame Bovary is a very complicated story.

FNP: Wouldn’t care to listen to a story that isn’t.

SOS: So will you tell?

FNP: What?

SOS: Why you did not marry? Is it because you had to cancel, because of the Corona Virus –

FNP: now don’t get me all fired up here, toots, don’t get me started about this sham! The only thing it’s done good is that, and you can take my word for it, once people are in their homes, all the rats, cats and rabid dogs are out.

SOS: You keep talking about these animals…

FNP: We all have an appointment with the Beast at the end, you can count on that.

SOS: So, your woman –

FNP: She’s gone, cherry lips, she’s long gone. And where did I find that out? At the altar, that’s where.

SOS: No! oh…

FNP: Lemmie tell ya right now, they called in the fire fighters after what I’d done in this chapel.

SOS: Oh, oh how awful.

FNP: But I’ll tell ya where she got it wrong.

SOS: She did a very wrong thing!

FNP: Nah, I’d run too if I were her, oh yeah. but she thought she was smarter than her man. What can I say? You gotta adore a woman with ambition –

SOS: Excuse me?

FNP: When she took off, she thought she had Vlad. Yeah, she thought she’s gonna take the Beige Boiler with Vlad in it –

SOS: Dear god, she had a Russian lover!

FNP: As Russian and shiny as they come, toots. we were gonna take off into the sunset with Vlad in our car, yeah, we were gonna go live the life Vlad’s promised us, but oh no. oh no. never trust a woman with that size of ice in the car.

SOS: I do not –

FNP: So right now, in the lousiest, most rat infested, god forsaken building in New York, in yours truly’s joint, lays Vlad, as expensive and useless as dreams can get.

SOS: You… you killed her lover? That is, of course, very romantic. but also, yes, very wrong.

FNP: Oh I know. And wrong is what I put in my coffee every morning, believe me. So now it’s Vlad, Johnny and I every night, here’s my best take on the Trinity. My rat-roomate Jerry sometimes walks in, but it’s mostly just us three.

SOS: I do not understand you, but you are very, how do you say, very eerie.

FNP: Oh yeah, baby, and if you didn’t have that ring on your finger, you know, I don’t have to tell ya.

SOS: Yes. yes. I believe I should go…

FNP: You don’t want a diamond? It’s real big, lemmie tell ya, real big

SOS: No, no, I do not… I do not understand what you mean. I wish you well!

FNP: Yeah, don’t wish me things that are beyond my reach, green eyes.

SOS: Yes, goodbye!

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