Rats at Dinner’s frontman Dorian Phoenix explains why a new album isn’t underway and expresses heartfelt wishes to his ex, Marianna Ginger
Dorian Phoenix of Rats at Dinner, we welcome and congratulate you here and now!
Alright Ultra?
So, Happy Valentines and everything!
Ah, fuck. Go lick some COVID-infested toilet wouldya?
Hmm, so you’re not seeing anyone –
Yeah it’s irrelevant, d’y’know wha I mean? I had a girlfriend whose birthday was on Valentines, alright?
Yeah?
So she’s got it worse! She’s alone on her birthday and on Valentines, right?
Is she alone though?
How the fuck should I know? I fucking hate her. But I got flowers, right?
Someone sent you flowers?
Fuck yeah, the red ones.
Roses?
Ah.
Who sent them?!
Dun know, it doesn’t say. So I undid the wrapping and stomped them outside of my flat and left them there, innit? so if it’s some psycho, they’d get the message.
Really? That’s…
Yeah, that’s what famous people do innit? you gotta send the message to them psychos. Coz if I keep it, what does it mean, ah? It means I accepted it, don’t it?
I guess it makes sense… during the first or second lockdown, can’t remember, you said Rats were working on a new album.
Ah. I did? Ah. It was bad. Just… fuck, nah. I dun know. we wanted to make an album from the past, d’y’know wha I mean?
No.
An album that’s not from this time. But not nostalgic or anything, yeah? We ain’t fucking weak like that. But anyway, everything we recorded was shit, d’y’know wha I mean? So Pete said, alright, mate, let’s think about what it means to make something that sounds old, but not nostalgic. So Jake said, alright mate, so what does nostalgy mean? It means loving the past, don’t it? so let’s hate the past.
Hmm.
So I said, let’s make like a parody of old music, innit? but d’y’know wha? you gotta love something to make a parody of it, don’t ya?
I think so, yes.
So that’s it.
So are you still working on new material, or…?
Or what?
Or just… I don’t know?
Y’know even when we’re not recording or writing we’re still doing things, innit? sometimes you just need some time, don’t ya? Fuck.
How does Paul, your manager, feel about it?
Ah we sacked him didn’t we?
What?! He’s been with Rats for years!
Yeah he’s corporate, d’y’know wha I mean? He’s always like, they’ll cancel the contract, Dorian, they’ll cancel it, mate, and I’m saying, everything’s been cancelled since March 2020 so shut the fuck up, Paul, innit?!
So you have no manager now?!
Ah we have a new manager, Peter Sleep.
Peter Sleep?
Ah.
Is that his real name?
Fuck, why wouldn’t it be?!
Just… he sounds very easy going.
Wha? easy going? Wha the fuck? haha! Shit. Peter, he says no one should work on a new album between February and April. So, right? we’ll start in April.
Did he say it specifically for this year, or in general?
He said it as a rule, no band should ever record anything between February and April.
Why?
It’s gotta do with them stars and shit.
Seriously?
Fuck, ask him if ya want, shit. I ain’t his spokesman.
Okay, alright. I guess you’ve heard about Marianna Ginger’s wedding.
Oh, fuck, shit. Haha! This woman is bonkers, I fucking knew it! wha the fuck, I heard she got married in a fucking cave or something in the Hybrids or something, fuck, that’s abnormal, shoes off. But yeah, nah! I wish her all the best, all the best. First, I wished her not to fall into the fucking ocean in the middle of her wedding, and that came true, haha! So I wish her not to get fat and everything, ya know, and not to get that wrinkled neck as she gets older, innit? I wish her all the best, shoes on.
That’s very touching, very heartfelt.
Innit?
I want to wish you the very best for Valentine’s Day too, Dorian. I wish you to find true love and harmony.
Wha the fuck? you coming on to me? or ya just wanna get your car spiked late at night? Shit. Fuck. That’s so fucking miserable. I’m gonna write about that shit in April.
That’s really all I was hoping for.
Hahaha!
But I still wish you a fine evening and I congratulate you here and now!
Yeah, shit. Merry Christmas.
The Sewers 