The Ultra-Viewr Alterviewed!

For the first time in The Sewers, the Ultra-Viewer gives a one of a kind Alterview where she discusses her Persona as an Alter, in a rather inelegant Alterview conducted by Dorian Phoenix  

RockStar Dorian Phoenix (RS-DP): Haha! Ah! Fuck! Congratulations! Welcomes!

Ultra-Viewer (U.P): Hey, Dorian.

RS-DP: Ha! Thank you for congratulating here in The Sewers.

U.P: Thanks.

RS-DP: So whatcha doing? Whatcha wearing? How’re you doing, and shit?

U.P: Good, it’s… well, I chose you.

RS-DP: Ah? Yeah?

U.P: I chose you to alterview me.

RS-DP: Ah cos you love me don’t ya? Ain’t ya?

U.P: To some degree.

RS-DP: Fuck, yeah. yeah. ah. Right, so here we go. I got some questions. I’ve prepared.

U.P: I’m impressed.

RS-DP: Innit? Right, shut up. So, what’s your favourite colour? Haha.

U.P: Hmm. In what sense? To wear? To see? To paint the walls?

RS-DP: Ah… wha? 

U.P: Or perhaps politically? What colour do I most identify with politically?

Wha? Fuck, what’s yer favourite colour? Your favourite colour, yeah?

That’s a really hard question. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it seriously. What’s your favourite colour? It’s funny, I never asked you.

I’m asking the questions, aren’t I? right? so shut up. what’s your favourite animal?

Hmm. To be? If I could be one? Or to have? Like as a pet? Or to see? in the wild? On TV?

Oh fuck. Fuck. Just say yer favourite fucking animal, for fuck’s sake!

Why are you so tense, Dorian?

Ah my girlfriend, d’y’know wha I mean? She’s fucking nuts, ain’t she? D’y’know wha she said to me last night?!


Ah. Haha! Nah, nah. So, right? if you could be any animal, which one would it be, yeah?

Hmm. Probably some kind of bird. Not a predator bird though. But a nocturnal bird, I think. Are all nocturnal birds predator birds? I think they are. So I’m not sure.

Right. yeah. yeah. That’s very interesting, right? Your favourite band in the world?

Hmm –

Yeah it’s Rats, innit?

Well, sure, of course.

Is it?



I’m not sure. As a teenager –

Wha d’ya mean you ain’t sure?

As a teenager, I used to really love bands. I was fascinated by the very idea. It seemed to me like the ultimate fantasy, making music with people who, well, who seem to be your best friends in the world. And I guess it had a deeper aspect to it. as in the sense of knowing your place in the world, both socially and personally. This guy was the guitarist, so he’s the guitarist. This guy was the drummer, so he’s the drummer. No matter what you are, you’re an essential part of something. It had a great appeal to me as a teenager.

Ah yeah.

Is it really like that?

Yeah, fuck, no it ain’t. it’s like, d’yknow wha I mean?

Yes, I don’t really believe in that anymore. But bands have their charm, yes.

Right. So tell us about your parents. Did they beat you?


Innit? right? hah strong question, right?

That could be considered person-oriented content, to some degree.


Didn’t you re-read the Alter-Protocol?

So how old were you when ya first fucked a bloke?


Were you twelve? Haha!


Fuck, haha!

Do you remember what my Safe Word is?

Yeah, yeah. it’s firefly.


Ah. So are you in a relationship?

What kind of information would that question give you?

Innit? if you’re in a relationship or not?

What would that say about me?

Fine, so you ain’t, for fuck’s sake. Don’t fret, mate. It ain’t a big deal. It took me a while after Marianna, too. Fuck, she was a cunt, wasn’t she?

I –

So yeah, d’y’know wha I mean?  


Tell us about someone you really love, and then about someone you really hate.

Hmm. I can’t answer it. You see, when I drink, it’s hard for me to know these things. I either love everyone, hate them, or just neutral and bland. Right now I’m between bland and hating everyone. I don’t know why it happens.

Ah, d’ya reckon you’re more of a loving persona or a hating persona?

Well, neither. I reckon I’m a very forgiving persona. But I rarely forgive out of pity or condescendence. I think this must make me a loving persona.

Ah. Why do you drink?

Why do I drink?

Yeah, yeah?

I don’t drink as often as some might think.

Yeah, fuck. But when you do, why do you?

It relaxes one’s muscles.

Wha? Haha! Fuck. That’s fucked up. Do you enjoy taking this stance of having very little known about you?

Oh, enormously.


It’s hard to say actually. It’s got its flaws, too. It’s like a game of some sort, and it’s played, well, not unconsciously, but also not intentionally. I’d say it’s a powerful position to be in, to begin with. It allows you to see if and how people listen and see, both yourself and others. It allows you to see to what extent they can be fooled.

So you’re a psychopath basically?

No, not at all. I’d like to think of it as a stance of curiosity. Because you see, it’s not only about seeing who can be fooled, but also about who it is that you, specifically, can fool, and what is it about them, and what is it about you, that makes it possible. Or impossible. It’s self-revealing.

Self-relieving? Ah? Haha.

Revealing. And I believe being unreachable can be the most giving way of being reached. The real question is what happens when that doesn’t happen. When you remain unreachable, unrevealed.



What happens then?


What you said!

What did I say?

That you enjoy being someone very little is known about, but you still kinda expect people you find a way to know shit about you, but they don’t.

You’re really sharp and focused today, Dorian.

Yeah. hah! I’ve been down the woods today, shoes-on. It’s like my brain took a shower, I swear it. I take brain showers there. hah!

I imagine my brain showers when I go to sleep. That’s the meaning of sleep. Brain-rinse.


Seriously! I imagine it more like being in a dishwasher. That whoosh sound when it starts? That’s the sound of sleep, of brain-rinse. I think brain, you know, off topic, brain is the cleanest organ in our body, you know? like, our skin – it’s getting old and sad. Our eyes get weaker, our limbs too. Our hair gets white, our livers get fed up, our lungs – dirty, our hearts – tired. They don’t get the rinse like the brain.

Shit, that’s real shoes-off shit, go on.

I have no idea what I just said, to be honest.


So as I was saying – and notice I’m giving it to you, cos you didn’t follow up as you should have – I was saying it can be tragic.


The hide and seek game of my persona. It can get tragic.



Ah cos ya hide too well?

That’s right.

So unhide it, mate!

That’s a dumb thing to say.

Wha? Fuck off, you’re dumb. Wha the fuck?

You can’t just unhide. It’s inelegant.


Speaking of brain-rinse, by the way, have you heard Nick Cave and the Bad Seed’s Ghosteen album? It’s totally rinsing.

Shit, fuck. Wha the fuck? wha the fuck was that album?

You didn’t like it?

Wha? it’s – there’s no percussion in it, innit?

There is in the last song.

I didn’t make it to the last song!

Oh, that’s disrespectful. It’s a different album, but it’s spot on. It’s exactly what it had to be. Exactly of its time.

What’s the worst thing people can know about you?

That’s too sharp a shift, inelegant.


And why the fuck would I tell you?

Haha! Yeah, fuck. so what’s the most important thing you’ve done recently?

Important to whom?

To whoever, fuck.

Hmm. I’m doing my best helping others. I’m trying to write as well. A good writing day is an important day.

You writing a novel, yeah?



I’m writing a bible.

A bible?


Fuck. shit. With Moses and everything?

The people in my bible have no names.

Ah. Fuck.


That’s hardcore shit.

It’s intense.

So, yeah, innit? last thing you want people in The Sewers to know about you?

I’m the Ultra-Viewer. All there is to know is known.

Shit, yeah.


So we congratulate you and thank you for shit.

Thank you. it was an enlightening experience.

Right, Haha! thank you and goodbye.

Bye Dorian.

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