Film Noir Persona reveals the mystery of the Beige Boiler while hunting for Vlad in church, in his most drunken alterview to date
Film Noir Persona, welcome back! We congratulate you here and now!
Hey. Do you know when summer starts?
Ah –
It starts when the smell of petrol gets gluey, sticks to your cloths. When you see the air dancing like ghosts of the men you’ve killed over the hood of your car. When you smell the tar off the asphalt –
Are you in Mexico or something –
The asphalt that renders the clicking of her red heels on the road late at night, with her car keys dangling in her hand, she holds them with one finger, sometimes two. That’s what beautiful things sound like. Like rain. Like heels and like car keys ringing at night. And sometimes a man just wants to surrender himself to something, sometimes you wanna be forced into loving something, like Jesus was forced to carry his cross. So it’s summer, toots. Wake up and meet the cockroach on your pillow, pleased to meet ya. It doesn’t make a sound, no. it sounds like nothing, like being buried alive, no one can hear you scream, no one can hear you breathe. It sounds like nothing, like roaches.
Just how much have you had to drink?
Not enough to let it pass, sweetheart, not enough to let it pass.
To let what pass?
The roach I saw on my pillow. Yeah.
I see. Are you going give us more information about the Beige Boiler Mystery? Last time we talked, you became the Beige Driver, after you’ve learned the Beige Boiler is stalking people to lure them into becoming its drivers for some reason we are yet to understand. You’ve met Rita, who’s also a Beige Driver.
Rita! Yes. Yes, I think to myself… what a wonderful world.
Are you capable of engaging in this Alterview?
You can count on it, green eyes. Now lemme tell ya. When the Beige Boiler was given to Vladimir’s sister-in-law back in 1986, it was a fine piece of aluminum with lights and leathers, oh yes, executive! It was almost not befitting a dame, to drive a thing like that, but that SIL, she was something else.
What’s a SIL?
SIL. Sister in law. Vladimir’s SIL. Coz ya see, Vladimir owned the boiler. Vladimir owned the dame. Vladimir owns half of New York, he owns Rita. he owns me. He owns you, too.
And Vladimir is…
The fat lady’s anti-stab neck protector.
Sorry?
The loving mother’s diaper surprise.
Huh?
The underneath and the in between.
What?
The ten million kept in the freezer.
Please, could you just –
The biggest ice a dame has ever seen.
A diamond?
You got it.
Vladimir is a diamond?
Vlad is made of ice and blood, baby. That’s what Rita says.
So when you say ‘Vladimir’s sister-in-law’, it means a woman whose in possession of the diamond?
In possession? In possession? No, you’re sunburnt, toots, if that’s how you see it. Nah. Vlad is alive, you see, like an eel. Oh yeah. he’s alive like your favorite doll as a child who watched you when you slept and tell me, sweetcheeks, wasn’t it on the shelf when you went to bed, and just how did it get under your blanket by morning?
You’re really on the verge of incoherence.
Aren’t we all, toots? see, when Jesus called for his father on the cross, he wasn’t coherent –
What’s with the Jesus stuff today?
He wasn’t coherent coz he was calling for himself, toots. and aren’t we all calling ourselves? Now yeah. when did Vlad came to be, no one knows exactly –
Wait. Wait. What’s with the Jesus stuff? I recall you saying more than once that religion and faith are for fools.
Damn right. damn right. lemme tell ya something, toots, just between you and me, faith is made for fools, and fools are made to believe. Now ask Rita any day of the week: where’s Vlad, you conniving, snake of a woman, and she’d tell ya: only God knows, you handsome, driving gloves wearing bastard.
So you and Rita –
We’re partners in crime we didn’t commit. Asphalt roamers in a state of constant thirst. A man and a woman driving under God’s watchful eye in a jungle of concrete. Two rats –
But again! God’s watchful eye?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Vlad’s under God’s watchful eye.
I don’t know what to ask you anymore.
Coz you’re impatient, toots, that’s why you’re at a loss of words. You see, we wanna know where Vlad is. everyone wants to know where Vlad is. and Rita thinks she knows. She says the Beige Boiler led her to him. That’s all I can tell ya for now. Let’s just say, we attend many services in a specific cathedral, keeping our ears wide open to Christ and clues.
Christ and clues?
Christ and clues, baby. Vlad’s around.
Sounds like you’re naming vodka brands. But really, I don’t understand, what’s the Beige Boiler got to do the diamond? It’s like two different plots.
Two different plots? Are you deaf? I prefer my women mute.
Jesus.
You said it. One thing we know for sure, the Beige Boiler was owned by Vlad’s first SIL, until it was stolen from her. Vlad, not the boiler. She was a rough broad, had many enemies, many people to suspect and to follow. it wasn’t long before it was known Vlad’s running loose. up for grabs. People started following her, sometimes while she was following them, all in search for Vlad. It became a deathly game, both to follow and to be followed. And it didn’t stop when the first SIL got rid of her boiler. If you’re followed long enough, like I was, you get involved. And if you get involved, Vlad owns you.
So it’s basically a bunch of people who heard about a diamond they never actually saw, circling one another in an old beige car? And now you suspect what? Some priest has it and keeps it in a church? And you go there every Sunday to find clues?
You can go to morning prayers and evening prayers midweek too, toots. oh yeah. Rita and I, we’re gonna turn all this gasoline into wine.
Right. well may god be with you.
Right back attcha, toots.
The Sewers 