Should Crass lyrics be taught in schools? – an Altersation

The Sewers welcome and congratulate this Altersation between The Just Protester Persona (TJP) and RockStar Persona Dorian Phoenix (RS-DP) about Trump and Brexit in the most nonintellectual Altersation The Sewers have ever published.

The Just Protester (TJP): OMG Dorian Phoenix! I saw Rats at Dinner last year! In Chicago! You’re awesome! The baddest band out there, for sure!

RockStar Dorian Phoenix (RS-DP): Alright?

TJP: Wow, man, I really don’t wanna be like this but it’s like, you’re like Sid Vicious, you know?! You look just like him, it’s crazy!

RS-DP: Nah, comon mate –

TJP: I mean, no, like the other guy, you know… the other guy, shit, what was his name? it’s not his real name…

RS-DP: Wha?

TJP: Johnny Rotten!

RS-DP: Nah I ain’t look like him, what the fuck? Wha’d’ya want from me?

TJP: Shit I’m sorry –

RS-DP: What other brit punk bands do you even know?

TJP: Ah… I don’t really –

RS-DP: so why don’t ya fuck off and don’t tell me who I look like, yeah? I’ve got a mirror, I’ve got mirrors since I was fucking one month old mate, so I know what I look like, d’y’know wha I’m saying? What do you look like even?

TJP: people tell me I look a bit like Richard Hell.

RS-DP: Wha? Fuck off mate, only Richard Hell looks like Richard Hell.

TJP: What the fuck are we talking about anyway?

RS-DP: innit, shit. maybe you look like Trump even. Maybe ya look just like him.

TJP: What? Fuck you, I don’t.

RS-DP: so why did you elect him mate? In your democracy, why did ya elect him?

TJP: I didn’t –

RS-DP: Why the fuck did ya go vote for him? You’re such a fucking mess. I was in America last year, yeah? and everyone act like they don’t know how it happened, and they’re so sad and upset and righteous and it’s fucking boring, d’y’know wha I’m saying? So you just wank off at being miserable that Trump is fucking ugly and your president.

TJP: and voting for Brexit was a stroke of genius, I presume.

RS-DP: It ain’t the same, nah. Nah. This is England fucking itself, and it’s fucking fine if you wanna fuck yerself. That’s why you’ve got them sex shops, d’y’know wha I mean? So you can fuck yourself. So England went to a sex shop like some fat-arse American on a Black Friday frenzy –

TJP: You know, that’s offensive –

RS-DP: oh are you gonna cry mate? Are you gonna cry now because I said words?

TJP: OMG you’re so awesome!

RS-DP: alright fuck off.

TJP: Okay and? So England went to the sex store?

RS-DP: wha?

TJP: you were saying.

RS-DP: I don’t fucking remember what I say. I just think that you can’t compare voting for Trump with Brexit. It’s fucking stupid. I mean both things are stupid but yours is more stupid and d’y’know wha? Brexit will affect England and that’s not your fucking problem. But Trump is my problem and lots of people’s problem so it’s fucking normal to say shit about America now. It’s the right thing to do now.

TJP: So why did you go on your U.S tour last year?

RS-DP: Wha’d’ya mean why? It’s obvious innit?

TJP: Coz Rats crowd are your fuel no matter what country they come from?

RS-DP: innit? And cos fucking Bryan Ax said Rats won’t sell in America. What a twat. All venues sold out months before I was vomiting on the plane. And d’y’know where I vomited, yeah? do ya?

TJP: Err… in a sick bag?

RS-DP: In a sick bag with the face of Bryan Ax printed on it.

TJP: fuck, really?

RS-DP: No, fuck.

TJP: I kinda grew up listening to Over System, you know? So I mean, I think the way Bryan Ax talked about Rats was wrong, but the man is a legend.

RS-DP: Ah. I wanna see Over System selling out in England. Yeah, let’s see how that’ll work.

TJP: as a principle, would you play in a country you strongly disagree with? Like a country that violates human rights and everything?

RS-DP: Ah like Australia?

TJP: What?

RS-DP: that’s a really long flight mate, I don’t think so.

TJP: how did Australia violate human rights?

RS-DP: Dunno. I saw a show about this Australian serial killer, he was a fucking psycho, shoes on. Fucking scary he was.

TJP: that’s… what?

RS-DP: He totally violated those people’s rights, I’m telling ya mate.

TJP: Sure… yeah. I mean what do you believe in? like, politically, socially?

RS-DP: ah, all sorts. D’ya’know Penny Rimbaud? From Crass? I believe him. I think everyone should live like in Dial House. But with more shit in it, d’ya’know? I mean I told him, Penny, mate, ya want me to get you some new stuff? New TV mate? New sofa mate? Coffee machine mate? That’s basic. But he said no thanks Dorian my mate, and he says you’re always welcome here Dorian and I think that’s good words in my ears.

TJP: I seriously did not understand a word you said.

RS-DP: innit?

TJP: What’s Dial House? What’s Crass? Who’s Penny?

RS-DP: that’s basic Epping knowledge. Dial House is a place for everyone, right? You can be naked there and that’s alright, innit? And Crass was one of the most shoes-on punk bands in existence. Their words, it should be taught in schools. It’s the smartest things you’ve ever heard. They’re the smartest people. Like, get this: “mindless fucking morons sit before the set, being fed the mindless rubbish they deserve to get. Can’t switch off big brother, they’ve lost all will to act, lost in drab confusion, was it fiction, was it fact?”

TJP: fuck, that’s amazing!

RS-DP: innit? I know it by heart –

TJP: What’s their name again?

RS-DP: Crass, mate. And d’ya’know, when they say big brother, they don’t talk about the TV show. Cos that’s from before there was big brother, I mean they wrote it in the 80’s or something. Can you believe it? How did they know? They fucking knew the future!

TJP: I think it’s a reference to 1984 –

RS-DP: Hey, the song is called “Nineteen Eighty Bore”! shit, how did you know that?

TJP: It’s a book. George Orwell, you know?

RS-DP: Yeah alright but how did they know about big brother?

TJP: Um. maybe they should teach these things in school.

RS-DP: Shit yeah!

TJP: It was really eye-opening, talking to you.

RS-DP: yeah lots of people open their eyes when they talk to me, d’ya’know wha I mean?

TJP: I get about fifty percent of what you mean, to be honest.

RS-DP: ah! Alright?

TJP: yeah, sure. so, will you visit the US again, on your next tour?

RS-DP: shit, probably. It was a good tour, it was abnormal. Fuck, yeah, we’ll do it again.

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