Moodiest alterview yet as Dorian Phoenix lashes out and blames U.P for breakup with Marianna Ginger
RockStar Dorian Phoenix, welcome back to The Sewers. We congratulate you here and now.
Wha’eva.
How have you been?
Wha’ do you care? Yeah? All you wanna do is make me look stupid. So get the facts yeah? I ain’t gonna answer yer fucking questions.
So why did you agree to come here?
Cos I needed to set some things straight after the last time.
You just answered my question.
Oh fuck off mate, just fuck off, you’re such a loser, like who are you? What is you? Who knows you? You’re fucking nobody.
I’m the U.P.
That’s not even a thing is it. That’s not even a real thing. That’s not even a real word.
Right.
Nobody knows what you’re about and you don’t even care and that’s cos you’re about nothing. You’ve got nothing to show for. And you don’t care about other people, you don’t, and that’s the thing about you, that you’re nothing and all you try to do all the time is to belittle people around you so they’d feel like they’re nothing, just like you.
That’s harsh. Why would you say that to me?
Oh that’s harsh innit? That’s harsh? Like you’d know. Fuck.
Please, I really want to understand where all this is coming from.
Oh so you could have a laugh yeah? D’y’know wha? Just – fuck off. Go hang yourself. It’ll take four months for someone to even notice. Four months it would take, cos you’d stink the whole place up cos you’re shit.
Have I offended you in any way?
Like you could offend me. Can you be offended by nothing? nah. You can’t offend me.
Oh, oh, last time we talked you wanted to say something and I said we’re out of time. That must be it. I’m so sorry. I have a very tight schedule, you see. Wow I’m so sorry if it’s made you uncomfortable.
Like you could make me uncomfortable. Shit. I’m fucking Dorian Phoenix, no one makes me uncomfortable. Bitch.
Hey now –
Wha? Wha?
I really don’t want to terminate this alterview. I know what it’s about. You’re upset about Bryan Ax from Over System saying Rats at Dinner aren’t big enough for the US, aren’t you?
As if he knows shit. Over System’s support bands have always been better than them and they know it and it’s well sad. But not as sad as you ah. Four months it would take. And when they find your mobile there’ll be only three missed calls on it. It’s battery won’t even run out yeah? And the calls they’d be from the bank. Not cos you owe money, but cos the bank just wanted to call and tell you you’re shit.
Right. You were being harsh on Brian Ax on Twitter lately, I’m sure he didn’t really mean Rats at Dinner aren’t big enough, you just pissed him off saying he should retire because he looks like your grandfather.
Well don’t he? Don’t he?
He’s 38.
Fuck he’s old. He’s got two years to kill himself don’t he? Plenty of time. And I told him that.
You did, and it was out of line.
Innit? And you should have killed yourself fucking yesterday. Everyday you’re alive an angel gets his cock cut off in slow motion. I ain’t got time for losers so forget about it. We’ve already recorded a new one and it’s out in a month.
What? A new song?
Yeah so don’t talk to me about losers, and don’t talk to me at all cos talking to you is a fucking nightmare.
That’s so exciting, thanks for letting The Sewers be the first to know. What’s your new song called?
It’s called Ritalin Life ah.
Really? Was it inspired by one of our previous alterviews?
Wha? We’ve never talked about it, it’s new yeah? And I would never talk about it to fucking you.
We talked about how you refused to live the Ritalin life.
Ah I don’t remember that.
It’s so flattering to hear you were inspired by one of our alterviews.
Fuck off, just fuck off, nobody cares about you.
What’s it about?
It’s about not giving in to being a nobody even when everyone says you’re shit and you should do what everyone else does to be just as shit as they are so you wouldn’t notice that you’re shit.
Sounds complicated. You must have put a lot of thought into it.
Ah. You must know what it’s like, with you being shit and everything.
Okay let’s talk about what’s going on. Why are you so mad at me?
Alright you fuck why did you say that to Marianna?
You’re referring to Marianna Ginger of course, the Superb Opera Singer –
Oh shut up, shut up, fuck. You said to her she’s in a different league? Yeah? A different league?
Oh no, you broke up.
Fuck, shit, nobody breaks up with me, I’m fucking Dorian Phoenix that’s who I am.
Aww you’re heartbroken.
Fuck you –
Speak it, just let it out –
Wha’da’fuck? I did everything for that lady. What didn’t I do yeah? She made me wear a tie yeah? I wore a fucking tie yeah? And the shoes, the shoes I bought for her yeah?
You got her fancy shoes?
No, I got shoes for myself to match the fucking tie. People fucking saw me. I mean wha’da’fuck? You cunt, what wasn’t enough for you? Wha? wha?
Aww Dorian –
Fuck off, just fuck off, as if I give a shit.
Fuck, I can’t believe she ended it. As if she could do better.
Fuck yeah, fuck –
And she’s old, you know?
She’s fucking old, she’s fucking ancient, museums won’t have her cos they’d say, ah, no, excuse me, you belong in the fossils department.
Exactly. And even the fossils department won’t have her.
They won’t fucking have her cos they’d say, nah lady, you’ve got fleas lady, we don’t need that.
As if you need someone like her.
As if I do.
You can have anyone you want. You’re fucking Dorian Phoenix.
Fuck yeah. Shit.
You know what?
Wha?
Just take your mobile now, take it.
Alright.
And turn on the camera.
Alright.
And put it on selfie mode.
Yeah.
Now look at that. Isn’t that the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen in your life?
Fuck yeah it is.
So that’s that.
Fuck.
Exactly.
Yeah I don’t need this shit.
As if you ever did.
I don’t need this.
You don’t.
She really got me though, she knew what I was about.
It’s tough.
Ah.
Must make you think about previous relationships that left you heartbroken and aching.
Yeah I was always like, wha’d’ya’want? Just tell me, fuck. And it took me forever to get it. It was like a movie where the sound comes later. They were always talking and I got they’re saying only later.
Aww Dorian –
Fuck off, just fuck off, as if I care.
That’s such a well crafted metaphor. You should make a song of it.
Fuck yeah.
Like all things, it’s an experience you eventually learn from.
Ah thanks mum. Haha! That was so lame.
Yes, it was, but it’s true at the end of the day.
Ah.
So you’re going to have a few drinks with your mates until it slowly fades away and hurts a bit less?
Ah yeah gonna have a few and then I’m gonna burn all the fucking benches in fucking Camden. That’s off record yeah?
Of course.
Yeah I’m fucking going to America. As if she’s ever been to America.
She has, she’s preformed to a crowd of about 15k in New York.
Fuck you mate, fuck you.
But she’s never been to lollapalooza has she? And she never will.
Yeah.
And she can’t smoke because it affects her singing.
Yeah, yeah, that’s so pathetic. Hah!
She’s out of your league by far.
So far I can’t even see her.
Yeah, she’s fucking invisible to you.
I can’t even see her anymore.
Yeah –
I just wanna see her again y’know –
Yeah –
Just to see the way she hold her glass of water, in this strange angle, her elbow pointing a bit to the side and she does this little movement with her neck before she drinks –
Hmm.
Fuck that shit. Nah I’m off. I’ve got things to do, you fucking bitch.
Alright.
So fuck you here and now.
I understand. I thank you and congr –
Fuck you. Fuck you.
The Sewers 