Dorian Phoenix tells about his friendship with bassist Jake Mate and setting fire to benches in Greenwich 

RockStar Dorian Phoenix, welcome back to The Sewers. It’s a pleasure, as always, to have you here.

Alright?

Your manager has confirmed you’ll be touring the US next spring. This is a first for Rats at Dinner, congrats.

Shit. When did he say tha?

Thursday, and you were quoted saying you can’t wait.

I didn’t say shit, fuck.

I get the sense you’re quite anxious about it.

I get the sense you’re a fucking cunt.

Hey now –

Ah.

You’re obviously anxious, I wouldn’t want to use my Safe Word for that.

Ah. Right, nah I’m sorry. I ain’t like this. I respect women and all that.

That’s not what Lindsey Hammers says –

Oh fuck, fuck, I can’t stand this, I hope our plane fucking crashes.

Oh don’t say that.

I will say that. I will say that.

Your fans are seriously concerned with the rumours and speculations about what’s been going on in the studio between you and Jake Mate. And now when you say something like that, it doesn’t sound well.

It doesn’t sound well? What are you a PR slag?

Have you ever considered hiring a personal PR consultant?

Oh fuck off mate. You don’t know shit about what rock and roll is.

But the band does have a lot of PR around it, let’s face it. You’re not a small group playing in Dalston anymore.

Ah that’s fucking shit, I don’t listen to ’em. I don’t do what I don’t wanna do.

Does that mean you do what you want to do?

Well don’t it?

So why didn’t you just say it like that?

Wha? Fuck I dunno, wha’d’ya want?

But seriously now, your manager must have something to say about your conduct recently, and about your uhm, Twitter affairs.

What affairs? For fuck sake –

What I’m trying to ask is if someone’s consulting you as to how to behave around people.

Wha? Like a sexy school teacher? That wud be hot yeah. Haha! She’d be all ‘oh you’ve been bad today, haven’t you? You naughty, naughty – ‘

Alright, enough of that then. Would you like to send a reassuring messege to your fans about what’s been going on in the studio between you and bassist Jake Mate?  

There’s nothing going so get over it.

But you were seen last week outside the studio kicking a car until you had to be taken to the hospital because you hurt your leg.

Ah nah I do that all the time –

Then Jake Mate tweeted he hoped you get amputated –

Haha nah it’s a joke we have yeah. Amputated haha!

So why did he delete his tweet three hours later?

Ah cos I told him my leg really hurt so he changed his mind didn’t he?

How is your leg?

Ah it’s alright, nah.

What about the incident in 2014 when the studio staff called the police because you two were literally at each other’s throats?

Alright there was a lot going on then, it was right before Lichtenstein came out and there was a lot of pressure. We’ve already talked about it many times and said it was wrong and then Paul our manager said we won’t drink in the studio anymore ever.

But this year he did allow you to get drinks in.

Ah yeah, cos he trusts us don’t he?

Should he?

Yeah, so Jake can get in your face sometimes but he’s a mate alright? Alright so everyone just fucking calm down and shit off.

How did you and Jake Mate meet?

Ah haha! That’s a brilliant story. Nah I knew right there he’d be a mate. So he was trying to set fire to a bench yeah?

What?

Yeah yeah, I think it was somewhere in Greenwich, it was after a concert, fuck I don’t remember who was playing, but it was shoes on. It was like ten years ago, can you believe it? So I went with Pete who’s my mate since I didn’t know how to take a piss on my own, and with loser-arse Steven Maximum and his girlfriend fucking Gwen Great.

These are their real names of course.

Fuck yeah, wha’d’ya think? Steven had to bring the drinks, but he left them on the tube. Haha! What a loser. So fucking Gwen Great she managed to get some outside the venue but obviously that wasn’t enough. Anyway we didn’t get pissed, nah. So after the gig we said we’d look for a store where they’d sell us, y’know, the make an exception stores? They’d make an exception for fucking Gwen Great. So we walked around a lot and Pete said we should start getting back home but nah. And then we kinda got lost and fucking Gwen said we need to find a place to sit cos her legs hurt so we went to this park place and that’s where we saw Jake with Brenda Walsh.

With Brenda Walsh?

Yeah I swear it that’s his ex’s name, fuck. And they were screaming at each other, it was mad. So we sat opposite of them and just watched the whole thing. They were breaking up obviously. She said he needed to get his life sorted out or something and he said she needed to get her arse sorted. Or something. Nah it wasn’t nice. It wasn’t nice. Then she left and he really lost it there like we weren’t watching. Fucking Gwen wanted to leave but I said no way that’s a show innit? Then we saw him, nah, you won’t believe this! taking a bottle of some liquor and starting to spill it all over the bench! And I just ran to him and yelled ‘oi mate whatcha doin’!? don’t waste it, is you abnormal?!’ Then he said he’d stab me if I came any closer.

Oh wow –

Yeah! Anyway, I just stood there watching him trying to light his lighter. It didn’t work, so I said ‘oi mate you want me lighter?’ And he did and that’s how we met.

Right. Alright. 

Yeah it didn’t really light up, the bench. And then later Jake said it was really such a waste of a good drink wasn’t it? A shame innit?

Just terrible.

Ah.

So this little urban legend that was going on back then, about how Rats at Dinner fans always burn benches after a concert –

Ah it’s cos they get what we’re about don’t they? Yeah we have passionate fans, they’re the best. And you can’t arrest a bloke for being passionate yeah?

I think you can actually, if one turns to violence. Surely you don’t encourage this kind of behavior.

Wha? Who the fuck am I to tell people what to do ah? I ain’t a fucking PR slag aren’t I?

It’s just that a lot of young people look up to you, and you wouldn’t want anyone to get in trouble because of something you said, surely. 

D’y’know wha? If you’re gutted cos yer girlfriend chucked ya it’s alright to burn a bench –

Oh no, no, please –

Wait, wait, of course, it’s alright to burn the bench but first take the time to make sure no one’s sitting on it yeah? It’s very important innit? Cos setting fire to people, that’s just wrong innit?

Thanks for that.

Cheers. Don’t burn people ah?

That’s a very educational messege.

And also don’t stab people. Cos that’s a very bad things that’s going on in the streets now, and it’s just wrong and fucking stupid. I mean kids just fucking die and having a fucking knife in your jacket doesn’t make ya cool mate, it makes you a twat, it shows you’re a fucking loser who pisses on himself even when you’re not drunk, alright? Fuck.

Oh it’s actually really important that you address this seriously –

Cos it’s alright to be a chav, d’y’know what I’m saying? It’s alright, but a chav with a knife is a cunt –

That might be considered offensive –

Alright only cunts find the word chav offensive yeah?

That’s not what –

If you carry a fucking knife, it means you’ve got one ball that’s so ridiculously smaller than the other, that when girls see it they fucking run away and you’re so pathetic and sexually frustrated forever that you have to carry a knife.

What about girls who carry knifes?

Well yeah they’d have –

Okay forget it, thanks for that, Dorian, it was very insightful and educational.

Yeah cos I think it’s just wrong innit?

Thank you. We thank you and congratulate you.

Don’t you wanna know why I’m so against carrying knifes?

Maybe next time, that’s all the time we’ve got.

Wha’eva. Slag.

Alright bye.

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